Stand In My Truth

First, I must acknowledge that I am a hypocrite. Several women who read my book has asked me if the stories in this book are real and what prompted me to write He Beat Past My Skin, Redemption of a Broken Spirit. I replied that this is a fictional novel. None of these stories or characters is real. Well, today I stand in my own truth and admit that I am a two-time survivor of Military Sexual Trauma. That is the official term used by the Department of Defense and the Department of Veteran’s Affair to address the varied sexual offenses in the military. What it means to me is that two of my Non-Commissioned Officers sworn to lead, guide, train and protect me, instead used their power to rape me. For thirty years, I have buried those demons within me. Unfortunately, demons never die. They patiently lay in wait to haunt and control every aspect of your life. To survive them, you must acknowledge them. Their power is in the silence.

Three years ago, when I wrote He Beat Past My Skin, Redemption of a Broken Spirit I believed that I could silence my demons through the voices of these women. Their anxiety, pains, fears and anger, are my anxiety, pains, fears, and anger. I know how it feels to long for death, to fear the man who thinks he love you, to experience some level of fear for every man. I know how it feels to long for revenge upon those who hurt you, as well as those who failed to protect you. You believe it will restore your power and control. I know how it feels the fear relationships because you cannot trust, love, or even tolerate touch. I know the anxiety of being among a group of men, boardroom, formations, team meetings, etc., noting every sudden movement, twitch, cough, or scratch. Occasionally, I glance away from the vice, PowerPoint presentation, handouts, note cards, etc., which is used to distract me from the reality of my fear, to acknowledge the doorway, the only item that provides a sense of security in the room. No, their stories are not my stories, but their truths are my truths.

I have struggled for the past two years to finish Saga of My Scars, The Aftermath of Life’s Wounds (Coming Soon), because it forces me to wallow in the depths of my own fears, to feel the pain and anger and struggle to control the anxiety that appears with no warning. For the past year, I have had the privilege of working with a great therapist, and I have learned that I must confront the rape, fear, anxiety, and pain in order to regain control of my life. For as long as it remains a secret, it consciously and subconsciously controls every aspect of my being. I have spent many years studying psychology and learning ways to manage my life. However, with all that knowledge and information, what I failed to do was confront my own truth. What I have learned is that the power is in the secret.

A few months ago, I finally told the details of my rapes. It was the first time I thought about it in years and ever told it aloud, but I recited every detail as if it happened yesterday. Of course, the anxiety, fear, pain, and anger are sometimes overwhelming, but I am finally confronting them instead of hiding from it. I am ready to take back my power and control of my own life. I know that it will be a long and intense battle, but I am sure I will win.

October 2014 is Domestic Violence Month. I encourage you all to support those who still struggle to free themselves from the bondage of abuse. Allow them to reveal their secret without fear of judgment, ridicule, or shame, and with the hope of support from a kind friend who cares. The power is in the secret, the fear is in the shame. Give them the gift of this book He Beat Past My Skin, Redemption of a Broken Spirit. It may encourage them confront their own truths and give them the courage to seek help. I know how hard that can be.

My favorite comment posted about this book on Amazon.com was anonymously written: My Life, “This was an excellent book. I actually highlighted several things to follow by. I listened to the song me. My favorite character was Toni. She was able to heal. Thanks.” It gives me hope.     

Matthew 7:2 & 5 King James Version

² For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

⁵ Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.